the hardest part

Although I was a child who made friends easily, and I did not think of myself as shy, I was not a talker or someone who pushed themselves forward. I was happier playing without any agenda and saw people as they were. Over time, with experiences of being rebuffed, I began to pull back from the easy contact with others and began to guard myself. I withdrew also to the world of books where I could be a part of relationships and stories (yes, I formed friendships with my books and the characters within), could be safe from intrusions, and was rewarded as a wise person for being a reader.

It’s no wonder then that thinking and observing became easier than speaking.

Skip forward a few decades and now I know this had an impact on relationships and on my health. I began to see that some of my close friendships were closer on my side than theirs- that I knew them better than they did me. It makes sense that I could be lonely with others since I was less open than I realized.

The ensuing depressive times, and chronic migraines have been part of my body’s way of coping. I am certain that the migraines worsened because I tried too hard to be the right person without acknowledging that I was not being my own person. The person I am created to be.

This person, me, is who you will hopefully encounter on these pages. Some times I will be more here than others. Some times I will be encouraging and some times I may contradict myself. As Walt Whitman said in Song of Myself, “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)”

I hope to be honest about who I am and what I think. Stating what I think may be the hardest part for me.