Grace merely to be
Song Form
Morning uptown, quiet on the street,
no matter the distinctions that can be
made, quiet, very quiet, on the street.
Sun’s not even up, just some kid and me,
skating, both of us, at the early sun, and
amazed there is grace for us, without our
having to smile too tough, or be very pleasant
even to each other. Merely to be mere, ly to be
-Amiri Baraka
Moments of being “mere, ly to be” are rare. Or at least our awareness of them tend to be rare. I think they happen more often when we are unaware of - not caught in paying attention to - ourselves. We can be in the flow of life, of an activity, a sport or a moment of stillness and then the moment fills us with amazement of “grace for us.” I love this kind of lack of self.
This is different than self-awareness - curiosity without judgment, about what’s happening inside when a situation makes us reactive. At that point it is good to be aware of ourselves so that we can interrupt the reactivity that drives our behaviour.
Using the enneagram allows us to have a window into the areas where we tend to get stuck. It’s a form of map that enables us to move towards an acceptance of ourselves and the other. Being stuck means we repeat the same old arguments. We can’t help snapping back in the same old way. We may not like it but can’t seem to change the pattern. Once we have identified our enneagram type, we are able to use the methods of self-awareness to notice we’re doing it again, and make a change.
One of the effects in my home when I began to identify the habits of behaviour in my own life was that my relationship with my husband and kids changed for the better. I deliberately did not do any work “on them” but kept the work on my own stuff. Once they realized I was working on myself and not them, they began to relax and our family started to become what I had always wanted it to be but couldn’t achieve through my striving.
The vision I had for us was part of the gifting of who I am, but by trying to force it I worked against it.
So how does this enneagram thing work?
We begin by identifying our type. See this page for a description of how to do that.
Once we have recognized our type (or come close- it can sometimes take a while to be sure), we can begin to work with it. We start to see the way we hide from what makes us uncomfortable about ourselves. We bring into the light that which we have hidden in the shadow. By bringing it into the light to look at it, paradoxically we disarm much of the toxicity we have felt from it that caused us to push it away in the first place. We also begin to notice that since we ourselves have so much going on in the shadows that makes us reactive, it’s also true that the people we interact with have hidden stuff that moves them. There's always a story behind what we see.
So we begin with awareness, and we cultivate compassion towards ourselves and others.
The steps are: notice-pause-allow-reflect.
notice that something is happening- this could be a physical sensation in the body. A tightening or constriction somewhere, perhaps. A reluctance or resistance. A feeling of being stifled or trapped. Maybe a dizziness or buzzing in the ears.
pause to attend to the sensation; to be curious about what is happening. This isn’t a time to ask why. “What is happening here?” might be a place to start.
allow: this means to let the emotion or the sensation happen. This can feel scary. It’s good to remember that an emotion on its own lasts no longer than 90 seconds and often much less. It rises, and if you watch it and allow it to run its course, it can lead you to a discovery about what’s behind the emotion. A sensation like a tightening, when you allow it to show you what it’s there for, can lead you to recognizing an emotion or a thought you have been avoiding.
reflection is thinking about what came up during the allow stage. It’s also where the why might come in. This can be the place where you identify something underneath the more superficial reactivity. Just like anger itself is a signal that some line or expectation has been crossed, when we attend to the process just outlined we can identify what that line is. Maybe a phrase rises to the surface. For example I once heard “I can’t keep up”, and I began to discover that the lifestyle I was trying to live was someone else’s pace. (Not really heard with my ears - it was a phrase that came into my mind in response to a suggestion someone made.)
At first this process is clunky and hard. Just like any new skill. With practice and patience it becomes something you can do in split seconds. Or you can develop the confidence to say out loud that you need a moment to process something.
In time, hopefully, the moments of “mere, ly to be” will become less rare.